I’ve been putting off writing this post – mostly out of fear. Fear of being seen as my true self – not this idea of whoever anyone may think I am but just me. It’s time for me to unravel and reveal in order for me to move forward in this lovely existence we share. I spent my late teens and early twenties developing a “name” for myself. Projecting in the world who I wanted to be professionally – social media helped magnify that. Yet, there was a separation of this image that I had portrayed of myself and who the real me was. I spent so much time placing blame on others – saying to myself, “well, this one hurt me and this one said this about me” – and it got me absolutely nowhere.
I trapped myself in this world of superficiality that was based on who I knew or what I could do for someone else – and that felt so shitty to me. I was placing my own worth in the hands of people that didn’t have my very best interest in mind – because they were not me and I was giving all my power away to them. To the outside world, I had it all together, my career as a stylist and blogger was booming and I was next up – but in all reality: I was underpaid, overworked and I didn’t know who the fuck I was.
So I stopped.
I stopped all the things that were holding me captive: forcing to keep inauthentic relationships, tweeting about brands that used images that promoted an unhealthy body image, blogging about trends that were feeding a capitalistic system that wasn’t supporting people like me. There was literally nothing in me left to fake the funk anymore – I didn’t want to portray this image of myself that I felt boxed into – that was heavily influenced by the pressures of making things look so perfect on social media and keeping up with the joneses. I wanted out. I wanted to build a foundation for myself that was so strong that even an earthquake couldn’t shatter it. I knew this was going to take me doing that hard shit – that gut wrenching, close your eyes while it happens and let a sigh of relief when it’s over type of hard shit. I was due for some true soul searching – finding myself and dealing with the truth of who I was – to be able to connect to that higher self that I knew I always had within me.
When people have those turning points in their young or mature lives – they need something to turn to. For me, it was spirituality. It was my only constant throughout my life but I had never even given it the proper care and time that I wanted to. Now that I had made such a strong decision to find my purpose – I wanted to feel like what I’m doing on a daily basis can make a positive impact in someone’s life. I was looking for meaning & I knew that was going to take a lot of leaning on my spirituality.
I was a pretty intuitive kid growing up and that sensitivity (that was unbeknownst to me) – was constantly being nurtured by my aunt, who is a very warm and loving intuitive, kickboxing, yoga teacher and reiki practitioner. She has always very silently guided me towards my highest good – and as you can only imagine how deep my love and gratitude to her are. She gave me a lot of strength while I was in this place of unknown of what’s next, me constantly questioning whether I was doing the right thing or not. It was all so new. I was completely starting over and I had free range to take back my power, and take that leap to do what felt best for me, for the first time in my adult life.
So, I read and read and read and read every single self-help, metaphysical and spiritually based book that you can think of. I went to lectures that the authors held. I visited Buddhist temples, Christian churches. I joined women’s groups and circles. I found spiritual mentors. I learned how to work with crystals and how to call on my angels. I connected with my spirit guides. I went through arduous training from gurus and teachers. I cleaned up my diet. I went to workshops and worked with life coaches. I chanted, lit incense and connected with nature – the ultimate medicine for the soul. I journaled and wrote so much super duper deep & vulnerable “I feel so clean now that I just got all this out” words that I knew I was heading somewhere.
I was doing that inner soul work that was preparing me for whatever was next and I was finding my purpose. Through these last few years of showing up for myself in a deep and meaningful way – I tested the waters, I’ve surveyed the land and every time that I would learn something new, I just wanted to share it with someone. It was such beautiful and magical information and ways of thinking that I wanted everyone to know that we don’t have to live the same way our parents did or their parents did. There were alternatives to make our lives meaningful, magical and we could create the reality that speaks to our true selves. But the thing was – I didn’t have many spiritually inclined friends and the friends that knew of my new journey – passed judgment on it, not really understanding why I had changed so drastically or why I had become so “weird”. But I didn’t want to be my most authentic self with the friends that were with me and understood my journey only – I wanted to be the full me everywhere I went!
After I stopped judging myself for a while, got rid of those unsupportive friendships – I did just that. I was my most authentic me everywhere I went. I decided that I wasn’t going to be the me that was convenient for someone else, that was my old story. So, I treated wearing my truth as a duty of mine and I’ve shown up for the job everyday since.
I am Emilia Marie Lopez, my nickname is Lala, I am extremely sensual, creative and spiritual being. My purpose in this lifetime is to serve, love and encourage people. And I have no clue why the hell I’ve been putting off writing this because it feels so cleansing and purposeful to share my story! I hope that if you are ever reading this blog again, you read a post that resonates with you at a time when you need it most. I am sending so much damn love to all of us beautiful people doing our best to figure it all out and who’s deepest desire is to live a wonderfully meaningful life.